he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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