question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
