put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
