I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
