The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I fill condoms, not promises.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
