What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
