Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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