ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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