Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
