Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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