People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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