We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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