I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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