just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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