could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
