Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Green mimosas i think yes
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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