FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my shit smells like andre
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
