highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
