yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
