It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
