as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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