My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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