Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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