Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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