I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize