One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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