come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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