hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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