I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
