He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
