We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
