We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
