is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
