He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
