Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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