went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
