Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
