i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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