I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
