I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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