He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
