I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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