At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
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I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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