if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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