quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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