I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
