Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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