i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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