I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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