please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
