Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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