we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
