Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
